Here’s Why The “Talking Phase” Is Toxic

A new normal for modern dating is the “talking phase,” the stage of a relationship where you’re still getting to know each other before you officially begin dating. The “talking phase” is made possible and perpetuated by dating apps and texting – two people can talk all the time with physical safety and without much effort or commitment. They can get a basic level of knowledge about each other without actually being in each other’s presence or spending money on real dates. At face value, the “talking phase” sounds like a good idea. The problem is when the “talking phase” isn’t just a passing phase, but stagnates and falls into a situationship.

If you’ve found yourself in a situationship, my best advice is to get out. It’s easy to let your attraction to someone blind you to what’s going on, but don’t let yourself fall into the trap of “talking” to someone forever. Ask yourself, “Why aren’t we in a relationship yet?” And “At what point will we go from ‘talking’ to boyfriend and girlfriend?” If there is no clear path in sight, then realize that the man you’re talking to doesn’t like you enough to claim a relationship with you, but he’s using you for all the benefits of a relationship. Don't you deserve better than that? Though this is common in modern dating, it’s toxic, and you should avoid it. 

Dating in Previous Generations 

It may feel like the dreaded talking phase is inevitable because it seems weird to go from not dating someone to being in a relationship, but “talking” wasn’t a thing until this generation. Many years ago (in the early 1900s and before), dating consisted of courting someone. Courting is dating with the clear intention of marriage as the end goal. A guy and girl would start spending time together (their families would help orchestrate it), and if things were progressing well, they would get married. In some cultures, this is still the case. 

As the years progressed (mid-1900s), courting started evolving into a less formal, but still intentional event. Men and women could go out in public together and date, but the men still initiated this by asking for the woman’s father’s permission. Even after this started to fizzle out, men would still ask the woman to go on a date, and she knew it was a romantic thing. There was no confusion as to whether it was just “as friends,” and marriage was still the end goal. The closest thing to “talking” during this time was when the man would literally call the girl’s home and ask to speak with her. And it was shortly after this that they would go on a date.